Self-Care = Getting rid of the need to People-Please
By LISA SCHAEFER
Do you find yourself wanting to say yes to things you don’t want to do because you don’t want people to be mad at you?
Do you often put everyone else’s needs before your own because you want to be loved?
For years, I have had a strong need to be liked and to fit in. I found myself always trying to put everyone else first and make sure everyone else was happy and having a great time.
I would even sacrifice my own needs to make sure everyone else was taken care of and if everyone wasn’t happy, I often thought it was my fault.
Sound familiar?
Often times we say it is important to add value to others and create memorable experiences in order to provide great service.
When does it become an issue?
When you are sacrificing your own needs and are left powerless and losing yourself. Other indicators include:
- Need to be liked/Need to be Needed
- Numb my own feelings or wants
- Feeling very lonely and disconnected even though it looks as though you have large groups of friends.
- Disrespect yourself by having an inner dialogue that is self-destructive.
You often hear of the importance of self-care, but people-pleasers often cancel on themselves to help others.
What self-care steps can we take to overcome being a people-pleaser?
Find the root cause of the issue.
If you are like me, I was rewarded early for being the “perfect child.” I was easy to get along with and would always say “yes.” It was because I had low self-worth and if I was making others happy, I felt important and loved.
In my adult years, it was about holding an image of being the “go-to person.” I needed to be seen as perfect at what I did.
Build your internal self-worth and stop seeking external validation that you are good enough.
My entire professional career focused on approval.
When in the radio industry, I watched ratings to see if people “liked” me and were listening.
As a teacher, I read every student evaluation to see if people found me valued. I was always striving to get the highest ratings and to be seen as the teacher to take. My reward was when my classes were full and had waiting lists. Then I felt valued.
I learned the power of I AM statements and started focusing on what I was saying to myself.
Stop taking things personally.
If someone is angry or upset, those are their feelings. You can ask what your role may have been in that, but realize that not everything is in your control.
One thing people-pleasers confuse is disappointment with anger. People aren’t going to be mad you said “no”, they may feel disappointed, but they are not going to lose a friendship over it.
Focus on what you can control and realize that you can not control people’s actions or feelings, you can only control how you respond to them.
Do you want to learn more? Join me for my webinar “How to Get People to Accept Accountability and Respect Your Work Boundaries” on March 2nd, 8:30-10 a.m. brought to you by Hawkeye Community College.
Check out Our Other Posts
- All
- Confidence
- Goal Setting
- Self-Care
- Uncategorized
Decisions….Decisions…..Decisions
Is 2021 Causing Compassion Fatigue? Find out how to overcome it today!
“Can we Talk?” Steps to having tough conversations
Let’s Keep those Resolutions and Shine in 2021